More Than Meets the Eye: 9 Pitfalls of Living with Disabilities but Being High-Functioning

If you’ve read my posts before, you’ll know I talk a lot on this page about living with a disability or living through an unfortunate circumstance and not allowing it to define you as a person. As with anything however, that can be easier said than done. They often considered people such as myself high functioning. That may seem like a compliment on the surface, and it is, but such a designation can have its low points as well. Your mileage may vary, but what follows are some things I’ve run into as someone with a high-functioning disability.

1. Others focus on what you can’t do versus what you can

This one is especially hard to stomach for me, which is why I chose to talk about it first. Only you can fully know your true capabilities. I’m not saying there shouldn’t be limitations, and often there are limitations. But at some point, we need to focus more on what someone can do rather than what they cannot. Do I believe there should be accommodations made in certain situations? Absolutely. Accommodate all you want, but don’t break the age-old cliche rule of not judging a book by its cover. People will often ask if they need help with something or don’t feel they will be able to do something. The best advice I can give is this: If you’re like me and like to push yourself, do it. At the same time though, don’t be afraid to ask for help or if someone can take over your task if need be. On the other end of this conversation, never assume someone won’t be able to do something, and if you want to offer your help, be tactful about it and don’t embarrass the person or yourself.

2. Physical tasks or activities are not always a struggle

This one sort of ties in with what I mentioned above and is another pain point for me personally. My case of cerebral palsy is such that while I can walk fairly well, my lower body doesn’t function at the capacity that it would normally. My upper body, however, functions just fine thank you very much, probably out of necessity to compensate for what doesn’t function normally. I often find myself in situations in which I know I can do what I need to do, but there’s always one person who feels that they need to rush to help me. I feel bad saying this sometimes, but the best option for me is, unless I ask for your help, the best thing you can do is not to get between me and where I want to go with whatever I’m doing. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to put an unnecessary strain on myself simply because someone was so desperate to assist me they wouldn’t get out of my way long enough for me to finish what I was doing. Mileage may vary with others, but with me, if I need your help I’ll ask for it. Otherwise, the best way for you to help me is to stay out of my way. I don’t pretend to speak for everyone, but a good rule of thumb is don’t offer help unless you are asked.

3. Just because something someone says doesn’t offend us doesn’t mean we don’t understand what is going on

This one grinds my gears across the board. As much as I hate it, we live in a society where everything offends somebody somewhere. I can’t speak for everyone, but as someone who is highly functional despite a disability, there isn’t much that offends me. More times than not, you won’t be able to say something offensive to me because I’ll have already beaten you to the punch with something else. Yes, I use self-deprecating humor as a defense mechanism and I admit to it fully. But even if you don’t get a response from someone like you would from me, it doesn’t mean that they are offended, and it certainly doesn’t mean they weren’t able to comprehend what was said. A lot of times, you won’t get a response at all if you say something or hear something said to someone with a disability. This either means that what you said doesn’t bother them–many of us have heard a lot worse than what most people come up with these days–or they just don’t feel the need to show their disapproval outwardly. I can’t speak for everyone and I don’t pretend to, but this has been my experience. The last thing on this subject that really gets me is people being offended by something that doesn’t affect them. If I’m not offended by something someone does or says–or at least choose not to express it–it doesn’t mean I need you to do it for me. Trust me, I understand what’s going on. I either don’t feel the need to express my displeasure or I just don’t really give a damn. Either way, I don’t need anyone to be offended on my behalf.

4. Undue Personal Pressure Feeling Like We Have Something To Prove

I know I’m guilty of this one. I mentioned this in a way briefly in another post I wrote a while back about self-esteem issues. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself daily. I’m not one to make excuses about anything, least of all my condition. I expect a lot of myself. I see myself as a normal person even though my medical records say otherwise. I expect to function normally all the time, even when that isn’t realistically possible. That brings us to the next pitfall on our list.

5. Anxiety, Diagnosed or Not, Often Comes Pre-Programmed

Anxiety is a normal human emotion. It is normal to feel anxious in certain situations. For some people however, anxiety is more prevalent and often goes without an official diagnosis. While it is common for all people, I believe being saddled with a disability, whether it is from birth or because of life events, brings with it its own form of anxiety. I often look over my shoulder. When someone tells me what they think of me to my face, I wonder what they say in private. I used to blame my mother for that trait; how wrong I was. I won’t pretend to have a solution to that problem; I still deal with anxiety myself. What I can offer, however, is advice. You may have unpleasant experiences in your past, but don’t allow them to affect your present. It isn’t fair to your friends, family, or significant other to be compared to a past they were not a part of. This mindset does not stop the thoughts from entering your mind, I know this well. What you can do after some time is compartmentalize them. I’m not telling you not to be wary of people; sometimes I wish I had been more so in the past. What I am saying is don’t punish those who have proven themselves time and time again because of the actions of people who have not.

6. Relationships Are Often Strained Due To Fears of Inadequacy

If this one doesn’t hit me hard, I don’t know what does. Having a disability of any kind, whether you can function at a high level, can make relationships hard. I have personal experience with this. Roughly six or seven years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman who, oddly enough, uttered a phrase that ultimately inspired this blog's name. We had a relationship I didn’t think was possible and haven’t been able to replicate since. Still, there was something in the back of my mind eating away at me. “What is this beautiful, intelligent saint of a woman doing with me? There must be some sort of mistake.” It got to a point at which I was sure there was someone else involved somewhere. There was no one else, and I feel awful in hindsight for entertaining the thought. I often wonder what would have happened had I adopted the mindset I have now but life’s too short to dwell on the past. That brings me to my next point. Just because something happened to you in the past, doesn’t mean it will happen again. No matter what life throws at you, you are not inadequate. You are enough for the right people. That’s all that matters.

7. We Often Make Fun of Ourselves as a Defense Mechanism

I briefly touched on this one earlier. Self-deprecating humor is a favorite of mine. If you were to ask me if I poked fun at myself to beat someone to the punch or if I made jokes about myself so it would hurt less when others did it, I wouldn’t be able to give you a definite answer. It goes both ways often. I feel like joking about myself and my condition has made me less likely to be self-conscious in certain situations. They can’t hurt you with something you’ve already heard from yourself, right? Do I overdo it sometimes? Sure, but I guarantee you you’re not going to offend me with whatever it is you come up with. I don’t recommend this method of coping. Sometimes you find yourself believing what they say because you’ve said it to yourself. There are better ways, especially in this day and age.

8. Unresolved Emotions Can Cause Oversensitivity

I was more guilty of this when I was younger than I am now. I was often asked if I was angry about my situation. Every time, I said no, and every time, I was lying through my teeth. Whether or not I wanted to admit it, the anger was there, and it would rear its ugly head in the most inconvenient of situations. But it isn’t always anger. Sometimes it can be sadness, leaving someone in a perpetual state of depression. It may sound easier than it is coming from me, but my advice is to admit it to yourself first. Once you can admit to yourself that you feel either anger or sorrow, you will have taken a significant step in improving your mental health. As soon as I admitted to myself that I was angry about my situation, I could find an outlet. Your outlet may be different, but as you can see, I took to the pen. I made the mistake as a young man of letting my anger toward the hand I was dealt cloud my judgment of what was really important. I was more concerned with increasing my social standing while I was in school, not realizing the impact such an action would have later in life. My advice? If you’re struggling, the first thing you should do is take a long look inside yourself. You will probably find out why, as well as how to remedy the situation. Don’t let your emotions control you, lest they consume you.

9. Unable (or unwilling) to Ask for Help

Yes, I know. I mentioned this briefly at the top. It’s very much intentional. I am terrible at asking for help. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’ll also be the first to admit that it’s a personal pride issue. To call it anything else would just be silly. The worst thing about high functioning disability is it comes with a burden of proof, proof that you can indeed function. I would foolishly see it as an admission of defeat to ask anyone for help with anything. I admit to holding onto a small part of that stubborn streak. A funny thing happens on the way to getting older, though. If you allow it, you get smarter too. While maturing obviously doesn’t completely remove the stubbornness of youth, it doesn’t hurt. The constant need to prove myself has faded mostly, but it crops up from time to time. This doesn’t just happen with physical things. Mental and emotional struggles can trigger the same response. I feel like I have to get through it on my own because, in my mind, anyone else would do the same. Nobody should go through anything alone regardless of the situation.

Besides my usual ending with an inspirational message, I would like to close with a bit of a disclaimer that, in hindsight, I probably should have opened with. As I alluded to in many of the examples written here, I wrote this based on my experiences and may not reflect the experiences of others. My closing advice today is simple. No matter your circumstances, they do not define you. What defines you as a person is how you deal with and overcome your circumstances. Please know that even though I don’t know all of you, I appreciate each and every one of you.