Vulnerability: The Key to Self-Expression and Happiness

It’s human nature to try to appear strong at all times, no matter what may be going on in your life. This is especially true for men. Vulnerability is often mistaken for weakness. As men, we are expected to be stoic and strong, always keeping our emotions in check–or at least making it appear that way. From a young age, some men were conditioned to never show their emotions. Living with a disability as I do, this need to remain strong and emotionless as a man can be magnified in our minds. In some cases, we take it too far and it can affect our relationships with family, friends, and other loved ones. We don’t mean to do it, as most of us have a desire to love and be loved. The compulsion to face inward and close oneself off from others is usually born of some sort of trauma that causes trust issues. If you don’t trust, you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable. The cycle continues until you find yourself in a perpetual loop of simple existence rather than living. Opening yourself up is the key that opens more doors than you will ever realize until you do it.

The trauma that often leads to someone closing themselves off isn’t limited to one type. It is often a combination of traumas that cause someone to shut themselves down, believing that they are protecting themselves from further harm, when in reality they are harming themselves even more. I am guilty of this more than I can bring myself to admit, even in this format. I have experienced trauma, most of the emotional variety through betrayal, throughout my life that has caused me to close off from the people who could help me the most. I write this hoping that putting it on paper will help me get over it. I hope with every fiber of my being that it isn’t too late.

Growing up with a disability from birth, I had to learn very early how to take a joke. Not easy in my younger days. I had a quick trigger that often left me on the precipice of trouble. As I got older, self-deprecating humor became a favorite defense mechanism. I figured nobody could hurt my feelings if I beat them to the punch, so to speak. Being able to take a joke is one thing, but when you have people picking on you left and right, you are never sure who is being genuine and who is being deceptive. It’s also difficult to stop yourself from overthinking in certain situations. It’s not uncommon to be in constant fear of what someone is saying or doing behind your back versus to your face. That’s a problem for everyone, granted. But when you have something that makes you different from everyone else, people fear it. Things that are different are scary, so some people make fun of or otherwise belittle those who are different to cover their fear and insecurity. But it’s hard to see that when you’re young, so you build defense mechanisms of your own, the most common of which, at least for me, is showing a false lack of vulnerability. It seemed like a good idea in the underdeveloped mind of my younger self, but looking at it through more mature eyes, I now understand the futility of it. In reality, all I did in maintaining that artificial tough exterior was cripple–see what I did there? Yes, it was intentional–my own emotional health and my ability to express emotions where they were warranted and hold them in when necessary. Many times, I turned that concept upside down. When I showed emotion, often, it was anger.

Anger is an emotion I’ve talked about briefly in many posts on this blog, but I’ve never really talked about it at length. For a period in my life that is much longer than I would care to admit, anger was the only emotion I felt was acceptable to express. I had to let people know I wasn’t one to be messed with. I think I knew even then that I was compensating for my lack of self-confidence, but that’s the way I thought it had to be, so I went with it. When someone angered me, I let them know, sometimes with a massive dose of overkill. Conversely, I seldom showed any other emotion. If I was exposed to something that made me feel any emotion other than anger, I bottled it up and shoved it down deep into my subconscious. These bottled-up emotions would later manifest themselves in a fit of…you guessed it…anger. I fought my anger problems for years until I realized the true cause. That was when I leaned on the pen to release my pent-up emotion.

Prior to publication, the page offers no rebuttal, no judgment. Its only function is to receive my words in whatever form and order I choose. The choice to make my words visible is not a choice I originally made for myself. I let people read my words so they may know me. I write much more eloquently than I speak more often than not. I made my words visible so that in my moment of vulnerability, I can at least hope to help or inspire someone else. I may never reach the prolificacy of Stephen King, but I feel, much like he does, that I was put here to write. I was given a gift that is rare for someone with my condition. In order to make full use of that gift, I have no choice but to make myself vulnerable to both supporters and critics. I encourage you to do the same. We were each given a gift to share with the world. It is up to each of us to find it and decide how to best share it with the world.

Making yourself vulnerable to criticism is one thing. Letting your heart show after being damaged emotionally over the years is another matter. I admit to closing myself off to certain family members at certain times in my life. I admit to an inability to outwardly show affection toward family members despite being able to do so with friends and/or significant others. It’s something I’m working on with the help of the pen. I strive to show in my writing the emotions I don’t always show in everyday life. I can only hope that family members that read this know that I am trying. I close myself off, sometimes spending hours clicking away at a keyboard hoping my efforts will produce something that makes them proud. I know I’ve made mistakes in life, many of which could have been avoided. In order to encourage others to allow themselves to be vulnerable, I must do so myself.

I wrote something in this blog’s early days about removing the mask that some people wear, hiding who they really are in favor of what or who they think others want to see. As I write this, I must level with you. I don’t believe I have fully done that. Throughout this journey, I’ve learned a lot about the craft and about myself. I only now realize the level of hypocrisy in the words I wrote almost a year ago. There are certain things that I may never reveal on this platform. That is simply because those things will be expressed in different formats with different levels of encryption for the sake of privacy. But trust me when I tell you that allowing yourself to be vulnerable grants you the freedom to truly be yourself. Whatever your passion is, do not fear judgment. Pursue your dream with everything you have. If it’s worth it to you, it will be worth it to somebody, somewhere.

A piece like this is hard to wrap up. The more I write, the more things I seem to discover that I haven’t revealed. I’m going to sum this up as best I can and attempt to leave my signature bit of parting wisdom while I’m at it. The need to be strong at all times, to show a tangible lack of vulnerability is human nature. Some, like me, take it to extremes. Whether it’s a physical trauma, emotional distress, or some combination, shutting down completely is a basic human response in extreme cases. When the pent-up emotions do finally come out, it’s often in a way we don’t intend. Thus begins a vicious cycle of trauma, shutting down, and lashing out. My advice to anyone who has read this far is simple. Never let your emotions get the best of you. Find an outlet, whether that be the written word, art, or something else. Find someone you trust to talk to. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Leaning on your family is not a sign of weakness or desperation. Strength is a quality we all possess in one way or another, and it is necessary to be strong at certain times. However, don’t allow your need to show strength get the best of you. You never know. One day, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open up may save your life or someone else’s.