The Mirror is Not Your Enemy

I don’t talk about it much. But my past haunts me. The fake, ill-fated friendships and relationships, thinking money is the only way to keep people around. I detest living where I do. I rationalize it by saying I don’t want to live off the government. In reality, as hard as this is to admit, I am terrified of my past and the thought of it creeping its way back into my life. I understand now that, in my mind, the five miles between me and the nearest town is a safety net. The worst part is, it allows me to rationalize living with my parents instead of taking what is there for me in order to strike out on my own. The irony is I feel trapped here. Maybe that’s normal. Maybe both scenarios are traps in their own way. Perhaps it’s going to be one of those “pick your poison” things. The best I can hope for is to pick the poison that might make me a little sick for a while but doesn’t kill me. Terrible metaphor aside, I realize now that life is about taking chances. Like many before this, such a realization is one I wish I’d come to years ago. There’s a reason for everything though, and I feel at peace with my past, though not without my share of regrets.

I often think about my decision to not go to college. I thought I was saving myself time and money by not going, not to mention the inevitable assault on my libertarian capitalist beliefs that I wouldn’t have known was going on if I hadn’t stayed away from college. In reality, my decision to not go to college was born from the same apprehension that causes me to stare at a blank word processor page for hours on end, only to distract myself with everything under the sun that doesn’t have to do with writing. I look in the mirror sometimes and don’t see the man I’ve become. I see the child in the casts and wheelchair. I see the constant belittlement and ridicule I suffered in my childhood. Am I really the man I think I am? Or am I just putting on this independent libertarian capitalist mask to cover my own insecurities? I’d like to think that thanks to sharing my life with you, I’ve come to terms with my insecurities. There are some demons that still plague me. The thought of what might have been is a persistent itch that cannot be scratched. The best I can do, and what I suggest you do as well, is look to the future and build the best one possible.

Though I used to pride myself on being someone without fear, I’m finally secure enough to admit that fear has dictated most of my life at this point. I fear putting my writing out there because the omnipresent self-doubt makes it come across my brain’s filter as juvenile, something a high school student would write. Sometimes, I find irony in the moniker I chose for my blog. I try to come across as someone with a disability who doesn’t allow his circumstances to define him, when in reality defines the confidence–or lack thereof–that I place in myself. All writers go through self-doubt. A funny thing happens once you get your fingers moving on the keyboard and your mind focused on the story you want to tell. The doubts fall away and the words flow freely. I am not sure who to credit with this, so forgive my lack of citation on this quote. You cannot edit a blank page. I feel that applies to anything. Mistakes will happen. Failure is inevitable. But if you love what you’re doing, failure or the mere thought of failure shouldn’t stop you. To fear is human. True bravery only exists in the face of fear.

When you strip away all the nonsense and unnecessary overcompensation, I guess my biggest fear has always been the fear of being forgotten, the fear of potentially squandering the obvious gift I was given. My ultimate goal has always been to leave my mark on the world and leave it a better place than I found it. Though these periodic posts I share with you are a small part of your day, it is my hope that they leave you thinking, smiling, or inspired.