The Disability Conundrum: Realism Vs. Idealism

Throughout my almost thirty-five years of life dealing with cerebral palsy, I’ve dealt with the significant gap between things I want to prove that I can do and things that I know realistically can’t happen. For example, I walk fairly well, but you won’t see me running a marathon anytime soon. It is difficult to balance things I’d like to do to prove I can and things that I’d love to do but realistically are not possible. I find that was the source of the anger I held for so many years; I wanted to do things I knew deep down I couldn’t because of my condition. I also find that the things I know I realistically cannot do influences how I relate to people, both personally and romantically. I’d be lying if thinking about such things wasn’t painful and not doing so is easier said than done. The more I write and share myself with you, however, the more I embrace the things I can do rather than dwell upon the things I cannot. Even with that mindset, sometimes thoughts of what could be and probably won’t would force their way in, and I feel sharing such things makes it easier to deal with. Is it possible someone out there can relate? I won’t know unless I share, I suppose.

As you may or may not have guessed by some of the other content you’ve seen and/or read on this page, I love baseball; I have since I can remember. I progressed through childhood with dreams of one day playing in the big leagues–preferably in Atlanta, but a contract is a contract–and getting paid to do something I loved so much. The older I got, however, the more apparent it became that I would have a hard time playing amateur ball, much less professional. This wasn’t because I didn’t know the game or have some skill in it, of course. Realistically speaking, no matter how hard I tried, I would never possess the mobility required to play at any level. I think I knew that at a young age. Still, my parents felt the need to disguise their feelings on the matter with something else. I don’t fault them for it, as I would probably do the same if it were my son. I’m more than ok with not being on the field now. My strength is with the pen, and I get just as much enjoyment out of sharing with you as I would playing the game.

I mentioned earlier that I probably would have said the same thing my parents said to me regarding my future in baseball if it were my son. I’ve come to realize that having children is not likely for me either. Not that I don’t like kids. I love kids, in fact. I’ve been told a time or two that I would make a good father. If I’m honest, I’m not so sure. My dad taught me everything there is to know about being a good dad without even knowing he was doing it. He’s always been there, even if it was to stand back and let me learn a tough lesson on my own. I never questioned if he cared about me or not, and I would never leave my son wondering either. The idea of having children scares me. There are so many things that my son would have to learn from his uncle or his grandpa because I wouldn’t be able to physically teach him. Even before he’s born, I wouldn’t be able to drive his mother to the hospital, make impromptu trips to satisfy cravings, the list goes on and on. There are even things that I can do for myself that I don’t know if I’d want to teach my son, as I often wonder if the way I do it is the right way. I can only hope that, with the right person and the right time, I can experience all of that and that my instincts serve me well.

The most frustrating parallel I have had to deal with is the one that exists between my personal beliefs and what may be necessary for quality-of-life improvement. I am a staunch libertarian and capitalist. I’ve never believed in government help for anything. The longer my battle with the anxiety and depression my condition brings about wears on, however, the more I question the validity and sustainability of those beliefs. Is it possible they are rooted in my fear of being judged? I’m feeling that way. Will it change? Only slightly if at all. I will always believe in working for what you have if you can do so. As long as I can sit at my desk and do what I’m doing now, I will work for at least part of my money. If there is a way to live my best life with no help from the government, you can bet I will do it. I am learning, however, that even the best of us needs a little help sometimes. My advice to you is no matter what your situation is, don’t be afraid to ask for help if you really need it. I made that mistake more times than I can count, and I’m paying for it now. I can only hope that what I’m doing here reaches people and possibly helps me on my journey at the same time.