Forgiveness: The Ultimate Healer

Nobody is perfect. As humans, we are prone to mistakes with every move we make. Some mistakes are small, some can be life-altering. Some mistakes cause visible outside damage. Other mistakes remain internal and fester, manifesting themselves at inopportune times. Left unchecked, the imperfections of human nature can be detrimental to families, friendships, relationships, and sometimes most deadly of all, an individual’s mental health. As difficult as it may be, humans being as hard-headed as we are by nature, the easiest way to heal the wounds that human mistakes cause is forgiveness.

I have not always been the best at practicing it, but I consider myself a Christian. I know that forgiveness is an enormous part of what we believe. Love thy neighbor as thyself, even if your neighbor doesn’t seem to deserve it in your mind. If God can forgive us as the imperfect beings that we are, we should be able to forgive each other knowing that none of us are perfect.

Forgiving someone for the mistakes they’ve made can be difficult. It can be especially difficult if those mistakes had a direct effect on you. I can tell you from experience that it’s difficult to forgive someone whose actions have cost you money, time, or possibly a relationship. I’ve been there multiple times, and it was revisiting those thoughts in my mind that prompted me to sit down and write this. What we often forget is the role we play in the situations which negatively affect us. Often, any unfavorable situation–or sometimes a stretch of time–can be traced back to a decision we made. It’s what we in the writing community like to call the inciting incident. The action we take in that situation shapes the result.

As those of you who have read my previous work will know (if you haven’t, it would be awesome if you did) that I spent far too much of my life worrying about how people perceived me. Further, I would often put myself in, to put it mildly, unfavorable situations to increase my favor with certain people. As hindsight has taken the unfortunate liberty to remind me, some of those people did not deserve such consideration. In the same way we are prone to mistakes however, as humans we can change our circumstances. The only thing separating us from a completely new version of ourselves is the willingness to put in the effort to change. This applies not only to those–including me–who have made mistakes in life, but also those of us who were on the unfortunate end of a mistake, or series of mistakes, that someone else made. In either case, we have to forgive. We must not only forgive those who have wronged us in a moment of poor judgment, but also forgive ourselves for the wrongs we’ve done. That in mind, we must also remember that forgiving and forgetting are two different things and need not always go hand in hand.

It has taken me some time and reflection to come to this conclusion, but the grudges I once held are pointless now. Recently, in fact, shortly before sitting down to write this post, I finally decided that it was time to forgive those who have wronged me in the past, no matter what they had done. I wasn’t forgiving them because they deserve forgiveness; most of them don’t. I forgave those who wronged me in the past because that’s just it, it’s the past. The more I’ve patted myself on the back for the positive changes I’ve made in my life, the more I realized anyone who has the desire to change can do so. Anyone who expresses willingness to change should be given the chance to do so. There are limits, however, and change, no matter how drastic and positive it may be, does not justify total absolution of past mistakes.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life, some of which cost me friendships and/or relationships. Though I would love to show certain people the changes I’ve undergone as the years have passed, I realize I cannot expect forgiveness nor can I expect certain events to be forgiven or forgotten simply because they are in the past. I don’t expect people to forgive and forget my every mistake, so I will always be very careful with the mistakes levied against me I choose to forgive. That said, even if I choose to forgive someone, as I have forgiven many people for the sake of my mental health, I will never forget their transgressions against me. If you change your ways, more power to you. But I wouldn’t expect someone to forget about what a past version of me has done, so though I may forgive you, I won’t ever forget. If you have given me a reason to mistrust you, I will always think twice before placing any amount of trust in you again. It isn’t personal, it’s just the way the world is now. If I forgive you, it’s for me, not you. I likely forgave you because time and reflection has allowed me to realize that I was just as much to blame in most situations. There were many situations I could have avoided, but my borderline-narcissistic need to be liked and accepted put me in some of those situations and hampered my ability to end those friendships or relationships in time to save myself. Forgiveness is not a get out of jail free card. Forgiveness is simply a necessity to grow and go on living. Whether it’s a former friend, significant other, or even a family member, forgiveness is a must in order to reduce the strain on your mental health.

I will not mention names. If you read this, you know who they are. I have forgiven most of the people who have done me wrong over the years. I’ve forgiven those who mistook my kindness for weakness. I have forgiven those who used my lack of self-esteem as a means of manipulation. If you have ever used me for money or anything of the like, you too are forgiven. I will not forget what happened, but if you seek forgiveness, you will find it here. The catharsis I have found in the pen has afforded me the clarity to see my part in the things that have gone wrong in my life. I was foolish enough to allow myself to place the blame for my troubles squarely on the shoulders of others. That foolishness has left me. My propensity to blame others for my problems was born not only out of foolishness but also cowardice. I never allowed myself to admit it in the past, but I often blamed others for my problems out of fear of facing my own insecurities. If I could pass the blame somehow, I thought I could avoid facing the face in the mirror that I no longer recognized. Now that I’ve been all but forced to be retrospective on the matter, I realize that the blame I placed on others had a different effect. I recognized the face in the mirror, but it made me sick to look at him. At that point, I knew I had to do something. I also felt it would be good to share this story with folks. Selfishly, I started sharing this story in order to clear my conscience. As the words began to flow however, I realized that we only get one shot at this life. There’s absolutely no reason to burden yourself with the past. Allow yourself to learn from your mistakes, but don’t allow the past to be a barrier to your future.

I thought it sounded a bit cliche when I first wrote it. But when you think about it, forgiveness is the ultimate healer. With it, you can not only heal the rifts created between yourself and others, but you can also heal wounds within yourself. Allow yourself to heal. Healing and personal growth go hand in hand. If you can’t forgive yourself and others for the past, you are placing a barrier between yourself and the future you may dream of.

Though it took far too long because of my stubbornness and a selfish need for some sort of penance, I find myself more at peace having forgiven the people who have wronged me in the past. From now on, I’m tearing off the rearview mirror, but I will remember everything I’ve seen before doing so. That’s my advice to you folks. We only get one trip through this life. There’s no need to waste it on self-righteous grudges. You may believe you are in the right–and you may be–but trust me when I tell you, allowing yourself to spin your wheels in the past does you no favors. To achieve happiness and fulfillment, we must always be looking forward. If you spend too much time looking behind you, the world–and your future–will surely pass you by. Whatever mental or emotional wounds you may have, forgiveness is the ultimate healer.