Dealing With Guilt: Do You Deserve To Feel Guilty? How Do You Handle It?

Guilt comes in many shapes and sizes. Some people feel guilty for crimes they've committed and people they've hurt physically or otherwise. Others feel guilty due to feeling inadequate, unable to perform their duties as an employee, a spouse or significant other, a parent, or a person in general. My guilt comes from a combination of the latter two things. Do I deserve to feel it? I'll let you be the judge.

Though I wasn't old enough to understand the reason at the time, the source of most of my guilt started very early in life. I guess you could say it started the moment my first doctor told my parents I would never walk. It was then that I feel my journey to become the man I am today began.

I don't know if he is still practicing, but I feel I owe a lot to an orthopedic doctor by the name of David Mann. He was the one doctor that felt he could help my situation, to give me the ability to walk that cerebral palsy so desperately wanted to take from me. And help me, he certainly did. After several surgeries, the exact number of which I can't tell you anymore, I was out of the wheelchair. Over the next twenty or so years leading up to this day, I slowly progressed from not walking at all to the man most of you know today. But this progress came at a bit of a price, a price that I could never fully repay. That's where the guilt comes in.

The first guilty weight I have yet to shed is directed toward Dr. Mann. He did so much to help me and had I accepted the plan he had in store for me, I would probably be in even better shape than I am. But my younger self's youthful arrogance and stubbornness caused me to make decisions that I regret to this day. I no longer wear the braces Dr. Mann had suggested I wear (I use that term because I took it as a mere suggestion years later). Though I'll never know for sure, they could have helped me as I grew. It is yet to be seen if that mistake I made all those years ago will put me back in a chair later in life. I can only keep myself as active as I can and hope it doesn't. No matter what happens, the man I am today is sickened by the blatant disrespect for the wishes of such an understanding and knowledgeable doctor that came from a boy that thought he knew twice as much as I do now. If Dr. Mann is out there and happens to read this, I can only hope he can forgive the ignorance of my past.

The other source of guilt was something I knew little about until recently. It came up in a casual conversation with my dad over a beer. I knew my parents fought hard to allow me to avoid the wheelchair; what I didn't know was what it cost them. My memory is flooded with surgeries, casts of many shapes and colors, and one particular memory or a hospital bed placed conspicuously in our living room. The younger version of me had the luxury of blissful ignorance regarding the costs. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what my parents paid to improve my life. But knowing this makes me want to do better in life. Sometimes guilt can work in your favor.

The last and most significant source of guilt comes from something I've mentioned before; anger. Until recently, I refused to admit that anger at my situation was part of who I am. The truth is, as some of you already know, I was very angry inside. The hardest thing about that realization is coping with some of the things I've done and said to people due to anger that I refused to admit was there. This would be a very long post if I went into detail about every regrettable thing I've done in a fit of unwarranted anger. Suffice it to say I've hurt people physically and emotionally because of my anger. I've done and said some downright awful things. Now I can only look back and wish I had adopted my current mindset years ago.

It's been a slow process. But with the help of some amazing friends and supporters, I feel as if I've gotten a handle on my anger. I think the first step was to admit it exists. In the shameless naivety of youth, I was sure it was genetic. I was even so bold as to outright blame my mother. Knowing what I know now, that turned out to be my biggest regret of all. Only when I allowed myself to admit to anger's role in my past could I overcome it. The guilt from the past is still there, and quite honestly, there's some guilt that I don't believe I deserve to shed. It helps me remember how far I've come and where I don't want to be again.

As I often do, I'd like to close with an attempt to impart some wisdom. Guilt can often feel like a cinderblock tied around your waist. My best advice to anyone feeling guilt is to shed it wherever possible. In most circumstances, feeling guilty can do much more harm than good. The exception to the rule is one I live by. Guilt itself isn't worth holding onto. What you should hold onto are the lessons that it teaches you. If something makes you feel guilty, you're less likely to repeat it. I know I've held onto many lessons taught by guilt. My hope is, as always, that my story will inspire or, in some way, touch someone. If that happens, every word and every experience that inspired it will have been worth it.