A New Perspective on Cerebral Palsy: My New Outlook and a Little Information Too

I wasn't sure what to title this as I began to write it. I was just putting things down on paper as they came to mind. The best way for me to write nowadays. My writing is like the rest of my life; it never goes as planned if I try to plan it out ahead of time. So, I just decided to talk to you about what was on my mind. If it turned into publishable content, great. If not, that would be fine, too. I just had some things I needed to get off my chest. Hopefully I'll be able to impart some inspirational wisdom along the way.

I’ve always been the type to earn what I have. I want nothing handed to me. So anyone who says I’m entitled to a government check because I was born with a disability is going to meet some resistance, no matter who it is. If I am unable to work for some reason in the future, that will be a different story. Until then, I will do everything I can to earn my own way.

I will not attempt to hide anything anymore. I’ve taken the step of starting this blog in order to show people who I am and that although I have a disability, that disability doesn’t define me as a person. The thing that gets to me as I write my content sometimes is that if I had that mindset years ago, I wouldn’t be where I am now. There comes a point though where I realize you can’t change the past. The key is to not let your mistakes define you, in much the same way as I do my best to not allow cerebral palsy to define me as a man.

I read a book recently by Amy Cole called “Why do You Walk That Way?” I thought it was a very good read and it helped me put some things in perspective, as I have been asked that same innocent question more times than I can count. I strongly suggest you check it out here. While Amy’s CP is a little different from mine, her story opened my eyes to something I wish I had known years ago. I have a form of cerebral palsy referred to as Spastic Diplegia, which has more of an effect on the lower body than the upper body, whereas Amy’s mild form of Hemiplegic Cerebral Palsy affects one side of her body, in her case the left. I have use of all of my limbs on both sides of my body, and I consider that a blessing. My CP diagnosis is often associated with average to below average intelligence and language skills, a metaphorical bullet that I seem to have dodged, so that too is something for which I am thankful. Walking is something I took for granted too. Until I found that most people that have this form of CP don’t walk until around age 8. Though still not near “normal”, that I was walking by age 3 tells me I was lucky in that respect as well. I suppose you could say I was also fortunate considering the first doctor I ever saw told my mother that I would never walk at all. Until I sat down and researched the condition, I did not know how incredibly fortunate I was. I allowed myself to think that since I had this disability, I had nothing to offer, and that caused me to not put as much effort into school and otherwise bettering my life. Instead, I focused that effort into fruitless attempts to improve others’ opinions of me, not considering at the time how little those opinions would mean now. Reading Amy’s story made me realize how foolish I was. I have a rare opportunity to provide a firsthand look at this condition, and this is how I’m going to do it. This blog is my offer to the world. I will continue to tell my stories and hopefully inspire people. The more I write, the more confident I get. The thing is, in my writing office, it’s just me. It’s just me and the keyboard and the screen. As soon as I open my office door though, I’m exposed to many views of my situation. I find it hard sometimes to quiet the noise without retreating to my “writing cave” as I like to call it. My family has always been extremely supportive. The blame for the path I took before now is mine and mine alone. Still, it is hard to fathom leaving my writing cave some days.

I wrote a post a few days ago about beginning to inform people when it comes to my disability. I will do more of that in the future. But I’m going to keep doing it in the same way I write my other stuff. I will not go full reference material on you. It’s just not my style. I inform people of things and give my opinions. That’s how I write. That’s why I gravitated toward the commentary article assignments when I took a journalism class in high school. I can do the informational article thing. But the whole time I’d be champing at the bit to give my opinions too. Honestly, that’s the main reason I didn’t pursue journalism in college. To tell the truth, I didn’t pursue college very far at all. But I chalk that up to being younger and not really knowing where I wanted to go. If I’d had the foresight to pursue my passion for writing, this may be something totally different, and maybe I wouldn’t have these thoughts running through my head. Maybe then I would have more than the blank page to turn to. The thing about the blank page is, although it may mock me until I get going, it passes no judgment. The page only exists to receive my words. The page offers no rebuttal to anything I tell it. It is only when I put the words on the page into the public where there are rebuttals. Pressing the Publish button on my blog page to me is a lot like opening my office door after a long writing session. I’m making myself visible after being hidden for a period. It’s never the lack of ideas or inspiration that gets me. It’s the thought of putting my words out there for people to see that terrifies me. That is something I’ve struggled with for years, and only now have I overcome it.

Until recently, I have often felt like a hypocrite. I would insist that my condition didn’t rule my life or define me as a man when in fact I allowed it to do exactly that. I would write something and then tell myself “Nobody will ever read this. You don’t have what it takes because you have a disability.” It was only after too many years of fighting those demons that I decided to use what writing skill I had–which I’m told is a fair amount–to show people everyone has something to offer. Similar to Amy, the universe gave me a gift. We both possess the intelligence to do whatever it is we want to do. In her case, she became a teacher. Me? I like to write, so that’s what I do. That’s how I will attempt to educate and inspire people.

I read Amy’s book with a touch of silent admiration. It made me take a deeper look into myself. She had done exactly the opposite of what I did when I was young. I tried to improve my social standing rather than focusing on school. When that didn’t work and I suffered the consequences, I blamed my disability in secret; I didn’t dare do it outwardly because I had too many friends and family members who would not hesitate to call me on it. Though they wouldn’t allow me to blame my condition for my problems, they were quick to tell me I needed disability checks in order to live the life I wanted to live. That’s no life though, at least not when I know I can do other things. The idea of getting paid once a month for doing absolutely nothing when I know I am fully capable of making my own money makes the capitalist in me cringe. This is especially true since the only reason a disability check is in the conversation is because I was too short-sighted to understand the consequences of not continuing my education, or at least pursuing something like I am now. I believe disability checks should be reserved for those who need them and/or have earned them. I am currently able to work, so that rules out need. Though I have worked my everyday job for almost twenty years to this point, I don't feel I have earned the right to collect a monthly check either. Even if that changes at some point, I can at least take solace in having attempted to do something else. The more I do this, however, the more I realize that the major obstacle that stood between me and success is something that all writers–and creators–face regularly. It goes by many names; self-doubt, anxiety, stage fright, the list goes on. I prefer to call it what it really is, fear.

Fear is something I tried to cover with arrogance in my youth. I tried my hardest to appear confident at all times, but in reality, I was scared to death. I didn’t know how to process it then, and maybe that was a blessing. Thinking about it now, I understand the fear I had of being defined by my condition rather than who I was or the things I had done or would do. I attempted to cover this fear with turning myself into something I wasn’t in order to win friendships that would ultimately mean nothing. Fear caused me to doubt my writing ability and my message. I credit my love of reading for helping me overcome this. I read a book called On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, written by my literary idol, Stephen King. In it, I discovered that even he, the master of the macabre as he has been called, doubts himself even now. I implore anyone interested in writing to check it out. It is a memoir–it has memoir in the title, after all–, so he talks about himself and his life a fair bit. But his writing advice is nothing short of inspiring and could apply to life in general. You can check it out here.

I’m not sure if I should consider this part of the fear dynamic or not. But the other barrier to success that has plagued me is the anxiety of success-driven acceptance. I’ve already been through situations in which people exploited my kindness and I lost a significant amount of money. It would stand to reason, at least in my mind, that anyone that came into my life after making something of myself would only do so for what they could gain from me. I suppose that type of fear is normal. In the grand scheme of things, it shouldn’t be a locked door between me and success. That’s what I’ve learned in my journey, and that is the advice that, though I didn’t intend it this way at the outset, I would like to impart upon anyone who reads this.

The opportunity for any individual to achieve their version of success and happiness is one thing that makes the United States a great place to live. No matter where you come from and what obstacles may be in the way, anyone can be successful. Find your passion. Find something that makes you feel you don’t have to work a day in your life. For me, that’s writing, creating awareness, and providing inspiration. Though the time at the desk that it took to write this piece could be considered work, I found it enjoyable to do the research and the writing. As always, I’d like to thank anyone who took the time to read what I have to say, and I wish nothing but success to each and every one of you.